The “Dating” Stages: November 11, 2008

            Meeting: Sorry ladies but the first time you meet a guy at a bar does not equal an actual date. For some this can be confusing. Along these lines this means that on the third meeting you can’t say that you’ve been on three dates and can therefore sleep with him without being considered a whore.  Running into someone at random, or even meeting up with someone intentionally with your friends out and about is not a date!

 

            Talking/Hanging Out: The reason why there are two terms for this is because if for whatever reason you are “involved” with someone who lives far away or travels on a regular basis, talking is the equivalent of group dating, aka hanging out. Again, sorry to disappoint, but these are not dates even if at the end of the evening you end up going home together. If you are talking to someone regularly on the phone, don’t start the registry at Tiffany’s; you are in fact just talking.

 

            Dating: This is the stage when an actual date occurs. Although this might seem like an absurdly easy concept but you would be amazed at how many people jump the gun with this classification. A date consists of one on one. Now don’t get upset, he doesn’t have to pick you up at your house and bring a flower. You don’t have to make him sit idly in your living room for 15 minutes while you pretend to finish up getting ready. Even getting together for a drink or dinner after work will suffice. Probably one of the greatest plans verbalized was in “Sleepless in Seattle” when Tom Hanks is discussing a date with his son. Just go out for drink because if after that initial drink you’ve realized that there is no chemistry you can always say you have to go, enter excuse here. While on the other hand if the drink portion of the evening is going well, then you can always continue on into a dinner arrangement.

 

            Relationship: This happens when you and the other member choose, either by verbalizing it or be an unspoken understanding, that you won’t be dating or sleeping with anyone else. Getting to this stage in my opinion is HUGE and I am amazed at how quickly certain people jump right into it without any hesitation. Is this a problem; no of course not. I’m just of the school that you lead with your head instead of your heart. You don’t get the floaty flying feeling as often but at the same time you don’t suffer the ‘thud” when after a week of “happily ever after” the evil queen of reality gives you that tasty apple. And when you hold off, don’t worry you still get the butterflies and excitement, but at the same time you get to actually enjoy them because you’ve let them become activated once you have a decent amount of assurance that this boy is worth the attention and excitement. 

Advertisements

The Rebuttal Witness November 4, 2008

No matter what sentence you provide, someone will have a complaint as in any other legal system. There has to be a winner and a loser, but at the end of a relationship doesn’t everyone lose? Even the people who end divorces with millions of dollars in their pockets usually use their new found wealth to fill the void and supplement them for all of the pain and suffering from the relationship.

 

 

In this vein, a hardship that every interventionista has to face from time to time is the angry ex boyfriend. You will naturally be to blame for the demise of this pitiful façade of a relationship. It won’t matter if he was emotionally unavailable or a cheating cad. You were the one who inevitably reminded his girlfriend that she deserved better. You woke her up from this imaginary connection and ripped the rose colored glasses off her face. How each person will address this is completely unique. An angry bar situation is probably the most common. While he’s drowning his sorrows with his guy friends after the dumping (even though you know damn well he was actually on the prowl mere seconds before noticing your presence) he will become incensed and know exactly who to take his irrational fury out upon. Don’t make any sudden motions and certainly don’t make a scene. In public areas, a boy attacking a girl who appears to be bewildered and defenseless will always arouse the white knight gene in the other males in the area. He will be seen as an emotional drunk and probably get kicked out of the bar, while you will get phone numbers. The other possible attack method is less direct but gives the boy a little more comfort to really attack you. The phone. In this age it might even be a text message, which I frankly think is just hilarious. If you can’t even be bothered to use your actual vocal cords to yell at me then you clearly are not that busted up by the loss of the relationship. You have two options in these cases, avoidance or acceptance. Simply don’t answer the call and erase the text or voicemail. Listen to it if you want but I must stress only if you have a very thick skin. Because the man doesn’t actually have to see your face and witness your emotions from the attack, he will probably come at you in a far more biting manner than in the face to face battle. I have had too many friends think they can handle this attack on their character and then be completely floored and destroyed. You weren’t even in the relationship so the demise of it should not affect you on an emotional level. If you choose to pick up the phone again the key is not to get engaged. Listen to his points. If you feel that he is in a place where you can speak back to him then feel free however that is going to be unlikely. A simple, “I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt. (Friend’s name) was unhappy and asked my opinion but in the end it was she who made the final decision.” And this is actually the truth. Unless you yourself typed the break up e-mail/text or made the “its not you its me” call then you can rest assure that you are in the clear.