Archive for October, 2012

Swooper Situation
October 29, 2012

You set the scene and it plays out exactly as you planned. Really it’s an expert example of your engineering (aka memory) but the truth is you desperately hoped to prove yourself wrong. Too bad your experience has taught you that a+b always equals c. And that’s the problem.

I’ve mentioned in past posts about the definition of insanity and how it keeps popping up in my life. Well here’s another one.

I’m suffering from a Swooper situation.

I think every girl has experienced this breed of female and in a lot of ways its how female friendships get a bad rep and where cat fights originate. For whatever reason, be it jealousy, a competitive streak, boredom, some underlying emotional wound/trauma, this girl wants to win “the” guy, and the way she knows its “the” guy she wants is when you verbalize that you want him. You start to talk to a guy and things are going great maybe getting a little flirting in there for good measure and her spidey senses begin to tingle. In my case she admitted half the time she isn’t in fact actually attracted to him right off the bat but the fact that I have expressed interest means he must be worth the effort on her part.

And so it goes. Maybe I go to the bathroom, maybe I go to the bar and maybe I literally take a single step backwards and she swoops.

Within minutes, but never longer than an hour she has staked his claim and said gentleman is either making out with her or actually on top of her. Game over she wins.

Except the thing about the whole game concept is…it takes two players.

When this happens, and it’s been frequent enough for me to know my own pattern… I shut down. I don’t want to battle over a dude. It’s cheesy and pathetic and for someone with lower self esteem incredibly scary.

And she knows this about me because we’re best friends.

She knows that I’m the easy target for the dodgeball game of flirting and dating. She will always win because I walk off the court.

In the beginning I thought this would lessen the skill involved, maybe if I played dead long enough she would find a more worthy opponent. Sadly I’ve learned that isn’t ever going to be the case. Because when the chips are down; you hate your job, you have no money, no romantic prospects, and minimal friends you take one of the few opportunities you have left to feel dominant.

This is just plain shitty to do to anyone.

Yet I know that I’ve let myself be the victim and that’s my problem. I’ve allowed this behavior to go on and even cracked jokes to lessen the pain. I’m unhappy with this and so it’s up for me to fix it. I can’t change her behavior or her treatment of me but I need to change the way I treat myself.

This is no longer an acceptable relationship so it needs to either evolve or end. Image

Mission Impossible?
October 17, 2012

I’m going out of the country in June to see one of my best friends getting married. I’m beyond thrilled about the wedding and also the excuse to get back to a country that is to this day my lottery spot. With that said it hit me that I would be nuts not to travel around a bit after the wedding. I’m already across the pond, who knows the next time I’ll be able to take the time off work let alone afford a trip like this.

I also realized that I’m not the international travel solo girl. I know it can be done and I applaud those that can handle it but I know me and that just would not be fun at all. I’m an independent gal who has been single for a very long time but I have my limits.

So this is a time sensitive issue.

I pretty much need to find a guy who wants to and can afford to take a trip to Europe in June.

So I have to make an effort which is not something I’m very good at.

Before you throw stones at me through cyber space this in no way means that I am so hot or amazing that guys just fall at my feet begging to go out with me so I can lazily just say ok. Again I mention that I’ve been single for a very…very long time. And I’ve liked it for the most part. Sure there are lonely times but in general I haven’t been too concerned about the romantic element, or lack there of in my own existence.

But not anymore. I’m a girl on a mission.

So back to the effort element.

I work in an office with great people but no one that is interesting as a potential suitor. Because of this I’ve only put an effort into my attire when we have clients in the building. I’m not a sparkly lip gloss girl I’m a Chap Stick girl. My hair is usually in a pony tail and if I start the day off actually flat ironing my hair it goes up into some sort of makeshift knot by lunch time. I love heels but have been in a ballet flat mood for about 3 months.

This continues on into my social life. I’m broke like a joke so there isn’t a ton of going out except for Thursday night happy hour after work (see dress code above, I don’t get cuted up for the bar) and Saturday/Sunday for football games. Getting pretty for a 9AM game didn’t make sense to me.

Again…until now.

So the boyfriend quest has begun.

Let’s see just how great my relationship advice is when I’m the recipient.

I can be a real stubborn brat so this will be a battle.

Breaking up with Peter Pan
October 12, 2012

I think this is a pretty great epiphany and might be the clue to at least a part of my romantic troubles.

I’m in love with Peter Pan.

For the longest time I’ve been under the impression that I don’t have a type. Short/tall, fat/skinny, (granted I can’t recall ever going for a baldy so I guess that’s one element that has remained fixed) I didn’t care what their bank balance was or what car they drove or if they were religious or political.

The common denominator is that I keep going for a certain age bracket.

Not Hugh Hefner old but definitely about 10+ years older. And while I swore going for that demographic was unintentional I think I’ve just realized I have been drawing them in. I like the idea that the guy is older and therefore wiser and more established. To top it off I like the older guys who still maintain that sense of humor and adventure and whimsy.

Sounds like a pretty great catch right?

Except it’s not real!

I was watching a trailer for a film called “Liberal Arts” with Josh Radnor and Elizabeth Olsen and a line really stuck with me. Talking about why their relationship works he says, “I can’t figure out if it’s because you’re advanced or I’m stunted” and she replies “I’m advanced”. I’ve been thinking I’m just so mature that is why I can hang with these guys. From a very young age my friends and family told me I was an “old soul” and I think I let that idea cloud my opinion of not only myself but also the sort of man an “old soul” would be with.

The problem with Josh Radnor’s question is that it isn’t an either/or situation.

The answer is both and there lies the dilemma.

While talking to guys in their late 30’s early 40’s that are still dating and having sex for sport it hit me. Why is it ok, or even desirable to me for a guy to behave this way when the idea of me being that age and acting that way is repulsive and pathetic?

To compound the problem I moved to a place that actually rewards and promotes this type of relationship. Dating a girl 5 years younger is great but you’ll get high fives and a parade if you’re banging a chick 15 years younger. Directors, writers, producers are hot shit (in their own minds anyways)and the young ingénue who desperately want an “in” to the movie biz will do whatever it takes to get that role, even if that means squeezing that wrinkly ass of his mid thrust. And those guys aren’t always particularly attractive or entertaining, just powerful. So the non powerful guys who are attractive (although I’ve noticed even the unattractive unsuccessful ones still think pretty highly of themselves) see this example and say hell yeah I not only can do that but I should do that. Is that the Hollywood dream that exists today?

The harsh truth is I’ve been judging the younger guys unfairly. They’re doing the same thing as the old guys but for some reason I’ve been giving grandpa over there a free pass because of some unspoken life experience that should lead to life smarts when in reality that fact makes it worse.

Age does not equal wisdom!

The 24yr old doesn’t know any better and he should feel free to act like, well a 24 year old. There is still hope that the 24 yr old will get all of that out of his system and become a grown man but the 40+ guy who still tries to get away with the behavior is pretty much a lost cause. So now I look at all of those crushes or attractive potential suitors and I actually feel a bit sad for them. Well that and realizing how skeevy they are causes my skin to start crawling as I type this.

While that could be a genuine physical reaction to this epiphany it also could be the 3rd cup of coffee that is coursing through my veins.

Either way, my highly caffeinated eyes are wide open to the mistakes and poor judgments of my past and it’s time to say farewell to the lost boys. We had some great times together, but at my age, I’ve outgrown you.