Archive for April, 2012

Thank You for Punching Me in the Face
April 9, 2012

I recently received some less than favorable news on the job front.

I’ve been holding out hope for some growth opportunities that have been mentioned over the years and had reaching the point of utter boredom and apathy. While others were moving on and moving up I was stuck with a bear trap around my ankle and just couldn’t get flexible enough to chew through my leg no matter how much yoga I did. So when I got the news that the little carrot that they’ve kept dangling just out of reach was never actually going to be mine I wallowed.

All of this time and energy, years of my life wasted. I’m now exactly were I was when I first got out here except its possibly worse because I’m now 4 years older with this “experience” which makes me undesirable for “entry-level” positions but not moving up or really doing much of anything in my current role makes me look suspicious for anything with more responsibility. Naturally panic ensues as I imagine the rest of my life chained to this desk while the world passes me by.

There was drinking, there was chocolate, oh and there were so many carbs courtesy of Pizza Hut.

The following day was slightly better in that I only felt like crying for 75% of the day and only did tear up twice but never in public.

So why am I grateful for the punch to the face?

I no longer had to feel guilty or worried about leaving my job when the great new gig appears on the horizon and it isn’t a mirage.

For the past few years we’ve had a lot of turnover and each time a new guy starts or the old one leaves I felt it would be more respectful to wait it out. Make sure the new person is up and running before I cut and run. I also was hoping (as it seems in vain but I digress) that with each new boss, new opportunities would exist. Some promised the world and I even believed it for a time so knowing, right from the get go that the current regime wants the assistant equivalent of handcuffed to the stove barefoot and pregnant I can walk away much easier.

What’s the relationship equivalent to this moment?

Anytime someone is honest.

Cruel to be kind as the song goes.

When someone actually has the guts to say “I’m just not that into you” and walks away. That moment hurts sure, but does that fast blast of pain hurt more than months or years of nothingness, loneliness, confusion, and despair. So when you know this isn’t going to work out, go ahead and speak up. A rebuttal will more than likely be offered but in the long run you both know it’s for the best. And if you’re on the receiving end of one of these conversations, it’s ok to be upset but more than likely a week/month from now you’ll be relieved that you got out when you did.

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Put Me In Coach I’m Ready to Live
April 4, 2012

I feel like I’ve been at the starting line for my life crouched in position and I’m getting a kink in my neck and a Charlie horse in my calves from holding this position for two+ years.

Does anyone else have those days/months/years?

Remember those little matchbox cars that you would roll them backwards to wind them up to make them go farther? I feel like I’ve been doing that with my whole life for longer than I care to admit and the sadistic kid that determines my fate just keeps winding me up never letting me go.

I’m ready for a new job so I apply to everything under the sun and wait for the sparse interviews that give me the smallest possible amount of hope that I might get to move forward. Not even really up like a normal person wants, hell I’ll move sideways just to get something going in my life.

We’re looking for a new apartment so I’m looking at ads and planning and prepping but I can’t actually do anything for another 2+ weeks because everything seems to be “available now” and I can’t rationalize spending money on rent for 2 apartments and I don’t want to get attached to some place that is going to be picked up before the gun goes off for us to actually sign a lease.

So here I am at the starting line

I’m in position

I see the starting judge

He holds the gun up into the air

On my mark

Ready

1

2

2 and a half

Wait for it

Not yet

Almost

For Christ sake pull the trigger already!!!

I’m the dog with a treat on its nose and the bastard owner just keeps saying “stay” or “wait for it” but in my case the damn thing has probably grown mold by this point but for some reason I still want it simply for the fact that I’ve invested all of this time and energy that I can’t give it up.

Is it worse to have the lulls when life seems absolutely beyond any possible redemption? You’ve gotten to the point where you’ve come to grips with a soul sucking job with no potential for advancement or escape. You realize that your landlord has you by the tits (or balls) and laughs at you for thinking you could live in a nice place (with a refrigerator) and not have to live off of Ramen and 2 Buck Chuck. Don’t even get me started on the romance front. Not a crush in sight and the guys that you do see are just now commenting on the hair color change (brown to blonde) that you had done 6 months ago.

With the lottery drawing over the past weekend up to 600 million I realized that the whole concept of the lottery is its selling hope. For $1 you can have a moment where you can hope/dream/believe that you’re life can change for the better with 6 little numbers.

Every job application sent out, smile at a cute guy, or open house listing instills that same feeling. You get to imagine your life changing and the unknown is oh so romantic and tantalizing because it’s shiny and new.

Honestly the new job could be even more soul sucking than the current one, the cute guy could be married with three kids that he forgot to mention, and the house could have asbestos out the ying yang and cost a fortune.

But no one wants to fantasize about that.

So we hope

And eventually

That kid is going to have to let go of that little car that is our life and let us race forward.