Archive for March, 2012

The Old Lassie Needs a Nap
March 20, 2012

Ahh St. Patrick’s Day

A day pretty much just about getting your drink on. You wear something green, (undergarments as well depending on how likely it will be that you’ll be having sex in the bathroom of the bar that you are at) you drink a lot of beer , you sometimes hear Irish music and at least one guy hits on you with an Irish accent. Now depending on how many Irish Car Bombs you’ve had prior to his approach you may or may not believe him but each year the tradition is the same.

There aren’t too many of these “drunk idiot” days a year so I try to live it up as best as I can for a few reasons. One is that life can get incredibly monotonous and boring and shaking it up from time to time to remind yourself and the world that you still exist can be incredibly invigorating. The other reason is to remind myself why I’m so grateful that I don’t make a habit of these festivities.

There it is…

Finally the truth…

I’m an old fart

I’m sorry I just can’t drink the way I did when I was in college and to be perfectly honest thank god because I don’t want to need a liver transplant before I’m 60 or if ever if I can avoid it. Maybe it’s the fact that I was never much of a party girl or maybe it’s because I got all of that out of my system shortly after graduating but now I want to be able to have a drink or two and legally be capable of driving home on any given night.

I like sleep

No scratch that

I LOVE sleep!

And while I am capable of going on 4 hours and being hung-over at the office its just not worth it to me. I don’t want to be closing down the bar on a Tuesday because I have work in the morning and though most days I can get away being in a haze answering phones I honestly just don’t like it.

It’s not my cup of tea

Yep this granny drinks tea now.

With all of this said did I have fun this past Saturday decked out in green (a lady never shares just how much green;)) doing shots of Jameson and/or half kegs of Guinness?

Abso-fucking-lutely!

 

Am I thrilled I have months to recover/prep for Halloween?

Yeppers to that too.

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Bitter Betty
March 11, 2012

It finally happened.

I’ve gone to the dark side.

No matter how bleak my own relationship status might be I’ve always still enjoyed a rom-com or been able to see a couple holding hands on the street and smile, and take a deep breath full of hope that I can’t wait for that to be me.

I’m now the girl yelling at the individually wrapped dark chocolate dove wrapper with the supposedly cheerful/sweet/positive/romantic message inside. F*** YOU DOVE! I can no longer watch anything that is even slightly romantic and thus I’ve been powering through  the HBO series OZ that my roomie got for Christmas and I fear for the day that is fast approaching when we get to the last disc and I will be left with nothing equally bitter and cynical and graphically violent.

I sneered at a Jack in the Box commercial where an idiot marries bacon. I can’t seem to pinpoint the anger at a singular event although there were a few that probably contributed all I know is that hope that I used to have deep inside is filled with rage and I need to find a way to replace it. I haven’t reached a panic phase as this current condition has only been an affliction for about 3 weeks however I also don’t want this to become some sort of situation in which the longer I let it sit with me the more comfortable I become.

I need a Grinch moment STAT!

Even Nice Guys Can Get Their Dumb On
March 8, 2012

This is an instance where I literally want to bang my head against a wall until I lose consciousness. My nice guy friends are constantly complaining/whining/venting that girls don’t like them that they keep getting overlooked for the mysterious bad boy/damaged/vampire types. Then I have my single girl friends saying that they can’t find any nice-enough boys. As Anne from Anne of Green Gables states, she wants a man who could be wicked, but chose against it. This is the whole reason we date these bad boy/damaged/vampire types but that’s for another entry entirely.

I FINALLY convince a friend to take a chance on one of the “nice guys” that she met online. He wasn’t her physical ideal but he seemed sweet and sincere and just an all around good person. Their first date was lunch and then walking at the beach. Can you say Awwwww!

 

No not “Ahhh” I’m not a dentist.

 

When she returns and says how sweet and nice the date is I think to myself Woohoo a victory! But she remains hesitant. Years of dating bad boys has rubbed off on her to the point where all of her behaviors have been modified to act and react to a certain code of conduct. She feared that these habits might scare away said nice guy and so we worked out ways to keep her from scaring off the new guy.

Second and third date go just as well as the first with hiking and dinner and a movie and she’s feeling like maybe her hesitance to date a “nice guy” was at her own peril. How much time she felt like she wasted on some Amanda Ashley romance novel ideal.

While they’re snuggled up watching tv and getting into some heavy petting she realizes that a nice guy deserves a nice girl, and the nice girl wouldn’t necessarily sleep with the guy on the third date. She holds him at 2nd base and although he tried to convince her to wave him home all seemed to be go fine. When he left after a respectable amount of cuddling she felt proud of her restraint and that she was at the start of a mature relationship, a real relationship, perhaps the first in a very long time if ever.

And it all came crumbling down. Radio silence for almost a week until a text was received stating they should just be friends. Because she’s bold and a total badass she asked the question many would like to but few have the stones to go through with it; would you just want to be friends if I had slept with you last weekend?

Guys this is a tough question but you pretty much dug your own grave in this situation so sorry not a lot of sympathy from me on this.

His response was that he felt he shouldn’t sleep with anyone unless he was sure that he was in love with her.

The nice guy answer that sadly only works when you just started dating someone. Please note gentleman this DOES NOT work during the break up speech/text especially when you try to sleep with her but she shuts you down.

So pretty much a fail all around as the fable of the nice guy becomes even more unlikely to be based in fact for this girl and the lesson she was left with was the hot assholes and the geeks are equally dumb and useless. The only positive card I have left to play is that this was a singular incident with the unfortunately not so “nice guy” and that she needs to date at least 9 more to get a conclusive test pattern for analysis.

So self proclaimed nice guys, pick up your game because for whatever reason the bad boy/damaged/vampire type will always be sexy while you guys are an even more tragic disappointment.

The Dating Bell Curve
March 8, 2012

In the past I’ve addressed the math problem for the dating age gap before as it applies to something called the “Cougar Equation”. I mentioned how my own personal acceptable age gap grew by leaps and bounds as I aged however I’m noticing that its starting to calm down quite a bit.

At 25 I could see myself with a 35 year or. At 26 I could even see myself with a 39 year old (for the record I was under the impression for an extended period of time that he was 32-35) but when I think of my future self, and potentially my single future self, will I still be willing to go for someone 15 years my senior? When I’m 35 will I say ok to the 50 year old? Or even at 27 will I be saying that 42 is the new 35?

Thus I’ve decided that the cap of my own personal bell is 40 and I haven’t really reached it yet. Again, I should express that there are exceptions to every rule (Gerry Butler if you’re reading this go ahead and call me) but I think that as I start thinking about the long term it makes sense to take a more realistic view of my dating habits and with that the ages of my potential mates. Sure it was fine to date someone significantly older than me when I was 22-25 because I didn’t see myself settling down anytime before 30 and why not have some fun with a confident, mature, guy who is actually mature enough to A) want to and B) able to afford, to take you to a dinner that isn’t at Johnny Rockets. But as the “serious” age gets closer and closer I think that the long term (aka the one) guy shouldn’t be someone with grandkids and he shouldn’t be closer to my parents age than to my own.

Look at me, having a grown up moment!

 

Ok now dudes in the 28-35 age bracket, please don’t suck and make me regret this decision 😉