Remember When February 25, 2011

Remember when you got that big girl job and you thought you were such a big shot

Remember when you met that guy who seemed to have it all figured out

Remember when you loved the idea that the guy was passionate and creative but still was reasonable, with a good head on his shoulders; smart, realistic, etc

Remember when you thought you were so cool that you could keep an interoffice relationship mellow

Remember when you thought that he was the one

Remember when you both started to have doubts but at the same time couldn’t imagine finding anyone more perfect for you

Remember when you went on a break but you talked every day

Remember when he was so pissed that you hadn’t made more of an effort to introduce him to your parents, your sibling, etc

Remember when he mentioned someone else

Remember when he asked you how to propose to that someone else, even though he already popped the question three weeks ago

Remember when you were helpful and caring and supportive even though you were sick to your stomach

Remember when he went on vacation, except it was his marriage ceremony

Remember when you felt “off”

Remember when you asked him over, and over, and over again for eight months if there was something he had forgotten to mention

Remember when he told you, the day before he took off for paternity leave

Remember when, months and months later, someone reminded you of how cute you two were

Remember when you referenced his fiancé and your colleagues grabbed your left hand to see the ring that wasn’t there

Remember when it became acceptable for everyone to recall such a fun memory that all had transpired over the course of a year

A night full of “remember when” only reminded me why I am so careful with my own heart in the first place.

For those of you who have had doubts that I took my own romantic sensibilities please rest assure that while my experiences may be limited, they are still very relevant and that my position still allows me to sympathize or empathize with my fellow readers.

I know what it means to stay up all night listening to sappy songs while consuming absurd amounts of dark chocolate only to face the morning, and his face every single day for the foreseeable future.

Luckily I also know that despite these hiccups, there are days, several in a row in fact in which the sun seems to shine a little bit brighter and the entire male species doesn’t lose all potential.

However I also know there are days like this. Days in which the initial offense could be light years away and yet you will feel the sting as if you had been burned just yesterday.

In either instance, please know that I will be there

Your forever friend and confidant

The interventionista

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Respecting the Streak February 9, 2011

Perhaps I should preface in that I am not a superstitious person. I don’t fear breaking my mothers back if I step on a crack in the sidewalk, Spilling salt does not induce ritualistic behavior and while I can’t recall a time when I broke a mirror, I wouldn’t be the one to cancel all future activities in anticipation of the 7 years of bad luck. Yet I’ve recently become slightly more understanding of some of these rituals and am in the process of my own experiment.

Since moving out West there have been several gentleman that have caught my eye and up until now there really hasn’t been any connection between them except for the subsequent failure. However in the past year all of my romantic prospects have had a common factor; the letter J. Now after the first two I really took no notice since J is a common letter for names to start with. I flirted with the possible issue after the third but again merely joked that J’s were not my strong suit. It wasn’t until this past weekend that the idea became an unavoidable situation.

While out in one of my local spots with my friend we became acquainted with 3 lovely men, all of which had first names beginning with J. While I’m not going to get into too much detail over the progression of our encounters I will say that there was some level of physical contact with 2 out of the 3. The first was accidental with a misunderstanding of the “bodyguard” role when saving me from creepy guys on the dance floor. Now since I wasn’t’ taking my J curse very seriously I had no issue taking one of the Js home with me after our second meeting. On paper I had a significant amount of confidence that our encounter would go smoothly based on the credentials and relationship history I had been able to extract from him over the 2 nights we had hung out. Unfortunately, once again a J disappointed and while the experience wasn’t terrible or traumatic it could be summed up with a simple “meh”.

That now puts me at the past 5 guys I have been romantically or sexually linked to all with names starting with “J” and all ending less than favorably. One has to beg the question what is with all of the Js? There are Dan’s and Michael’s and Paul’s and Steve’s and Brian’s all over the place and yet somehow like a creepy beacon I draw or am drawn to Js to my own detriment. I decided to do some research to find a logical explanation for the above average number of encounters. In 2008 2 of the top 10 boy baby names started with J. Not overwhelming evidence and the letter A had the same 20%. But then I rethought my initial analysis and decided that I should really be looking at the top ten names around 1980 since clearly I’m not meeting 1 year olds at the bar. Sure enough the top ten in 1980 had 5 Js, with 2 Ms taking the next highest percentage. 3 Js in 81, 4 in 79, 82, 83, and 84. This could explain the high average of them in the bar scene that would be in my appropriate age bracket but it still does not explain the low success rate of 0 for 5 with me in particular. I’m a rational human being and anticipate a dud to be mixed in the bunch of potential mates from time to time but I feel as though I am in quite a downturn and since I have been unable to track down any additional commonalties between my past beaus, I have to wonder if there might be something to the J theory.

Since this is more of a rut then a streak I think at this point respect for whatever it may be might be in order. So, to put this to the test I will be refraining from any emotional or physical connections with any new men starting with the letter J and a) hope that I can actually find one and b) see if things don’t work out better. The main issue will be in regards to willpower and general attraction. Knowing my luck the J option will be far more attractive and seemingly compatible choice compared to the alternative and I will have to think of the greater good of the test and my mental wellbeing cause in truth if I have one more dud I might be likely to give it all up.

Fake Girl Fans February 8, 2011

As previously mentioned, I am an avid sports fan, especially during the football season. It started at a young age as a bonding experience with my dad, a typical story, and I’ve maintained my enthusiasm and fervor for the sport ever since. In high school I was actually watching the game while friends gabbed about Tim now dating Katie even though he broke up with Sarah yesterday at lunch. Now as an adult I spend my Sunday mornings with my fellow fans hoping and praying for a winning season.

Recently, I’ve noticed a greater female presence on Sundays. At first I was thrilled! Yay kindred spirits who can appreciate a players running capabilities and his adorable dimples! But after careful observation I have found the majority to be frauds.

One category is the supportive girlfriend. She tags along but has no real interest and thus spends the game doing her nails, texting, or using an endless array of apps. Their eyes meet the screen at commercial breaks only and become annoyed when the crowd roars over a touchdown as it causes her to jump and mistype her facebook status update; “At the bar watching the game aren’t I just the best girlfriend ever”.

To these females I can say with complete honesty, don’t bother. You could be spending those 3 hours doing something you actually enjoy and your boyfriend doesn’t care. In fact, he would probably prefer the time to be on his own so he can revel in the success of the team with those that care. With you there he feels obligated to try to explain the game to you and he can’t truly enjoy the event as he is too busy babysitting you.

The other group of the fake female fans involves those on the hint. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel and one of the oldest techniques women use to catch a man. Going to a club on a Friday or Saturday night is an easy way to be in the presence of eligible bachelors but game day is where the pros go. You don’t even have to invest in specific team gear. Determine “you team” based on whatever team the cutest guy is supporting. From there, just order a beer, pretend to care by yelling at key moments and you become a goddess. And the best part is jeans and a t-shirt is all the primping required.

In the end this is the group I take the most offense to. The girlfriends rarely even pretend to have a clue (several weeks ago a girlfriend came in pearls…enough said) but the second group is lying and in turn making the true female fans look fake as well. Last week was a prime example that had me googling just how much jail time I would likely serve if I maced her. Her enthusiasm was the element that gave her away. She was so over the top, an overachiever clearly uncomfortable being out of the club environment. Even male fans were whispering in my ear, “what is she on?” after the first half. The second tell tale sign was her “meet and greet” attitude towards every single male in the bar. Saddled at a stool she had a prime location for those going out to smoke, going to the bar, or to the restroom. She grabbed, poked, punched etc. every single one. This girl was on a mission and was not leaving the bar without a phone number or a dinner invitation. Her bubbly attitude usually got the guys coming in for a closer look but were seen retreating in fear after 3-4 minutes. That’s all it took for them to know she was a fraud. It was like a scarlet A or a badly botched boob job. In the end she had no luck with my guys but I overheard her plan to hit up the bar down the street for the afternoon games.

Perhaps she was successful but I hope she learned that fakers shouldn’t go to team specific bars or you risk disappointment. At general sports bars this behavior and scheming by women is expected while at team specific establishments the guys are there for one game in support of a singular team. If you don’t share his passion and loyalty that’s cool, he’ll see you at the club on Friday night. But don’t think you are fooling anyone when you mispronounce the quarterback’s name.

The Death of the Female Friend February 8, 2011

This situation has been an issue since the first girlfriend asked the first boyfriend “Why, you have me now?” and has plagued the general population ever since. As a result, women have either given up on the idea of having a friend of the opposite sex or have to remember not to become too close or dependent because in a blink, he disappears.

            An interesting anomaly that I haven’t quite figured out is that if the girl is asked/told to exit the friendship with her male companion, she is more likely to decline. The only hypothesis I currently have is the idea that women, in my personal experience anyways, who have male friends are more independent, have been single for a decent amount of time and have since learned that guys have attributes that make them genuinely fun to be around even when sex is off the table. These women have gotten used to being on their own and they enjoy being able to call the shots. The request/demand presented by the new significant other is taken as an attack on her personal freedom. In giving up the guy friends will that open the flood gates to other ultimatums until one is barefoot, pregnant and chained to the stove?

            So why don’t our male counterparts feel the same sense of loyalty? A friend of mine (female) has struck a quick friendship with one of her male coworkers. They have similar tastes in movies, tv, similar sense of humor, etc. He’s had nights on the town with us on various occasions but just recently confessed that his girlfriend is none too happy. After a drunken blowout she gave her ultimatum and he immediately scurried home. My friend was baffled that she would be dropped so quickly without a fight on his part.

            Is it too late in this individual circumstance? She is a newer friend while the couple has been together for several years and will be engaged in the spring. Would my friend have had a better chance of survival if she had come first before the start of the romantic relationship?

            While it helps your chances if you come first there is still no guarantee. In the end a single emotion will drive the choices on either side; fear. Fear on his part that this new love leads to happily ever after and that choosing the friendship dooms him to a solitary existence.

            Sadly I believe the only solution falls under the responsibility of the girlfriend. Do NOT make that demand! Remembering to put the toilet seat down or to use the hamper, not the floor for dirty clothes are reasonable requests. If you really love this man or think that he might be “the one” then you will have to trust him and trust in the relationship. Just because she’s a girl in his eye line does not make her the enemy. The factor that females always seem to disregard is that if there had been any sexual potential between the friends, something would have happened already. Unfortunately evil Romantic Comedies have made a fortune falsely education women to believe the statute of limitations for one or both parties to realize their true romantic feelings for one another lasts all the way up to the part right before you say “I do”.

            So ladies, instead of being the naggy no fun girlfriend, take this opportunity to say “yes” when the man in your life timidly asks if it’s ok for him to hang out with his female friends. In that moment, you become the awesome cool girlfriend that he brags about to his friends who in turn go back to their own girlfriends and ask, “Why can’t you be more like Mike’s girlfriend?”

Mixed Sports Team Couples February 7, 2011

In dedication to the Super Bowl and the end of the football season for this year I wanted to write my first sports related entry however I imagine there will be many more since I am an avid REAL sports fan. While I can’t rattle off stats and averages from every player in the league I am a hometown sweetheart. I was recently out and I witnessed the most stupefying dilemma and in truth it was all caused by the lack of insight on the part of a mixed sports team couple.

In the fall, football is king and my devotion has me up bright and early at 8AM no matter what time I made it to bed so I can ensure the best bar stool at my sports bar for kickoff. To truly explain my loyalty I must say I searched for an apartment first, football bar second, job third. And this Sunday ritual provides me with sometimes the only fun I will have all week. Now the bar I frequent is dedicated specifically to my home team. The owner is from there and all that attend know your hometown, hell might have even known you from high school. When you live as far away from home as I do, this connection provides a great deal of comfort.

Unfortunately, this week there was an invasion. Not only fans from another team but our long term rivals whom we were playing that day! Most snarled under their breaths or gasped at the audacity for entering sacred ground, others (aka my guys) went the childish route. Nothing terrible (throwing ice chips at their feet) but probably annoying and in a rare instance I say way to go! If they had been in a stadium the treatment would have been much worse so I had a difficult time when they got up in our faces commenting how rude our fans are. The simple difference between their fans and ours; we would NEVER go into a rival specific bar in our colors!

One of my roommates was from the rival team. We always got along and never took it too seriously. One day she asked if she could come and I was completely honest and declined immediately. I knew the type of fan she was from past games and it would have been inappropriate and uncomfortable. I’ve also had boyfriends who supported other teams. The ruling was that if they came, they were required to wear neutral colors, my team could not be playing their team and they could support the other team quietly or my team loudly.

In this most recent instance the boyfriend  was decked out in gear and then proceeded to text his buddies at the rival bar across the street to come on over. After the first near fight I hoped that they would be asked to leave at halftime but no such luck. While outside during a break I was speaking with one of the organizers and actually defended how mellow our shenanigans were. I referred to my time living abroad where I learned such an act often got a man stabbed and it wouldn’t have been considered to be a shocking news event.

Even if you aren’t physically playing the game, as a fan you have endorphins pumping, increased energy and testosterone running through your veins at heightened levels. It’s one of the last acceptable places for men to run at one another with full force with the hope to wreak havoc. Men today are practically neutered and this is an opportunity for a few months to see men act manly. They want to yell, hit one another with a high five or a slap on the back. They want to be drunk, burp and even bark. If their team wins they want to strip naked and do a dance on the bar, a loss means cussing, throwing a plastic chair, etc. They do NOT want to have to check their behavior at the door. With an enemy behind the lines they get upset and conflicted. In the real world, outside of this bar, they would be civilized. They would offer up a “good game” or a congratulatory nod. They are now expected to consider the other person’s feelings. This then causes anger and resentment. For 15 weeks, on Sunday, he gets to be a half step closer to a warrior man and this new presence disables his ability to accept that macho role. He has been robbed and thus he lashes out.

While I don’t support violence by any means I do support thinking things through. So ladies, in the future, if you are “mature” enough to handle a rival sports team relationship, don’t force it on the rest of your hometown fans. Just watch the game at home.